Culling Crushes
This afternoon I got an email back from Little Building, a guy I kinda like. Only half in the LIKE like sense: I barely know him, but have had a great time the few times we have hung out, and we have enough close mutual friends that I think highly of him. I definitely like him, beyond the LIKE like sense. He’s not up to my usual hotness standards, but neither am I, and I do like geeky cute, and he’s a fascinating guy.
We’ve been ships in passing, missed signals for the last two years. I hear from some of the mutual friends that he’s single again. We’ve bumped a few times recently, I just invited him to a big party I held, but he had to pass for work obligations; and in inviting him I sent him some nice photos of him I shot last month. (No, they weren’t stalkery. We were hanging out. I was photographing everyone. Shut up. It was actually the big night with Mr. Complicated, all hanging out together, and that was fucking weird.)
Since he missed my party, I wanted to follow up, with a: 1, you’re cool, let’s yammer sometime when we’re not both in workoholic mode, and 2, asking about some concepts of Shanghainese culture he ranted about on his blog.
He took a few days to respond, which made me fear I’d made an ass of myself. Today though he sent a nice response, apologizing profusely for the late response and missing my party before answering my questions.
That would have been great, but, fucking timing. He then showed up at the final night of E-Arts, which was like an orgy of our mutual friends, and had me in full-on “it’s my neighborhood” bevvy-running mode.
It was awkward even before that. I was hanging out next to where he was for ages before noticing him there, bent over with hair-shag in face. He did likewise, albeit I lack hair-shag in face. Between sets, we chatted briefly. The email exchange, intended to facilitate friendship much more than potential interest, just made us both more awkward. Was he already on to me?
Because. I normally don’t go to his events much; unless one of his rare rock music things they’re not my scene, but in August and September I made several. Little Building started to notice, I noticed, with a few piercing glances on his side, waylaying me in the loo then only offering a quick hi.
Tonight was an exaggeration of that. Glance, avoided glance, counter glance. After the concert, I was rounding folk up to guide them to dinner, Little Building included, and two of my neighbors showed up. Our mutual friends surrounded, Shanghaihua cuteness ensued, then as soon as I was distracted LB fled, apparently taking his date - or was that the chick with the European husband? - into a taxi. Oh well; I was rather relieved.
At dinner, I went for the mixed table, of Shanghainese foreigners and Mr. Brilly and Beany, over the Shanghainese artist friends who I adore but who always force illness-inducing cigarettes and alcohol on me. I was in the midst of some idiotic, melodramic rant, not quite standing on a chair but I may have well have been, when….Little Building walked in.
You know? I was equally thrilled and annoyed. There went my attention to my friends et all, there came heaps of self-consciousness. Not least because I was at the semi-laowai table, while he pointedly made for the Shanghainese table. We made eye-contact as he came in, politely nodded.
More awkward and avoided glances ensued all night. At first I thought they were promising. Okay, he knows I like him, something accomplished. Soon, though, it felt like him avoiding me because of it.
That hurt.
I felt I was being neutral enough that we could both easily politely avoid the point. Mr. Smackeling, with no idea who, hearing I have a Shanghainese male crush, as a Shanghainese male advised I smack him with the probverbial two-by-four. And then take out a very large ad: “Vixen likes you!” And, I don’t even know him enough to know whether or not I like him.
Gelled over, though, fuck. I know, it’s awkward and uncomfortable. But it’s not like I was or am being agressive about it. Glances…hello! Come ON. Okay, it IS awkward because of the mutual friends and mutual scenes, but pretty innocent and cautious. Geeeez.
Mr. Smackeling, or I should say Ex-Mr. Smackeling, advises the direct approach. Of course, this is always predicated with “Why did Jifu ever break up with you? You guys were great. Much better than me and Ms. Smackeling…” And it goes downhill from there if I don’t change the subject.
So, my options here:
1. Which I prefer, is to pretend that nothing ever happened, play it cool, resume getting acquainted at the pre-proactive pace.
2. Maintain proactivity about friendship, ignoring the rest. This also isn’t bad. I do this with a lot of people. I do pursue friendships. Especially with Brilly gone, with my whole social life recalibrated from old default, it is fine and natural. Aside from the awkward glances.
This, I think, is the best Chinese passive-aggressive strategy.
3. The declartive. Yes I barely know you, but I hear you’re single, and you seem cool. Let’s get acquainted, and I’m sure we’ll become better friends regardless.
My dating philosophy was formed by the example of George Sand as represented in the film “Impromptu” - both she and Chopin could be seen as sterotypical representations of the “liberated” “Western” chick and the “passive” ”Asian” male. Only, none are so simple.
Except, 3. is bad, unless willing to sacrifice the potential friendship. Maybe this works as a progression? And I don’t even know whether I actually like him. God I miss high school.
Did I mention that dating sucks?
As does non-dating.
