Shanghai Vixen

New boy, new feelings, new music to express and explore it.

He’s been avoiding me. I made a big mucky mess about it by trying to demand communication, and now I’m avoiding him. He’s such a girl: he angsts over feelings and the future, I just want him to shut up and take off his shirt.

I equally feel that this is intense and scary, but right now is not the time to deal with that. Now is the time for long picnics and sweaty snogs. The rest will come in its own time - or not at all.

Out with Kazza last night, and partly with some friends mutual with Worm. I met the woman I suspect could be “Elsie” - the “someone else” he’s “seeing but not superserious”. Which I so so so can’t let myself sink into. Better to walk away and never see him again, purge my soul, than get sucked into that swamp of jealousy and insecurity and competition. Jifu put me through so much of that, the prospect and memory alone makes me cry. I love Kazza, but she feeds me booze and giddiness sometimes to excess. “Call him!” “I can’t.” “Call him!” “I won’t.” “Call him!” “No.” “Give me your phone, I’ll call him!” “Fuck off.” I’m afraid to check my phone now, afraid she may have drunk-dialed him while I was in the loo.

In the meanwhile, as I hide from Worm, music.

Stars - Tonight

come around and say you love me
hang your heart in lights above me
is that too much to ask for?
When the night descends upon us
take a shower dry your hair by the furnace
I’ll watch you from the corner

Telephones and old typewriters
words of love along the wires
Let’s make it work tonight
Telegraphs and birds that fly
through air so still you hear me sigh
Let’s make it work tonight
Tonight, tonight

Then furious you threw the picture
eye cap in hand an awful mixture
That kind of hard love is the worst
I try to speak but you don’t hear me
when you’re gone you still feel near me for a while for a little while

I’ve tried Telephones and old typewriters words of love along the wires
But nothing is working tonight
I’ve tried telegraphs and birds that fly through air so still you hear me sigh
But nothing is working tonight
Tonight, please let’s make it work tonight
Please let’s make it work tonight, tonight

Matchbox Twenty - If You’re Gone

I think I’ve already lost you
I think you’re already gone
I think I’m finally scared now
You think I’m weak - but I think you’re wrong
I think you’re already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I’m relaxed - I can’t be sure

I think you’re so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I’m just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it’s a problem I’m dealing

If you’re gone - maybe it’s time to go home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there’s a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I bet you’re hard to get over
I bet the room just won’t shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind

I think you’re so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I’m just scared - that I know too much
I can’t relate and that’s a problem I’m feeling

If you’re gone - maybe it’s time to go home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there’s a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I think you’re so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I’m just scared - do I talk too much
I know this is wrong it’s a problem I’m dealing

If you’re gone - maybe it’s time to go home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there’s a little bit of something me
In everything in you

And, two from Dido; mine:

Dido - Stoned

When you’re stoned, baby
And I am drunk
When we make love
It seems a little desolate
It’s hard sometimes not to look away
And think what’s the point
when I’m havin to hold this fire down
I think I’ll explode
if I can’t feel this free now
Cause if you won’t let me fall for you
Then you won’t see the best that
I would love to do for you
Instead you will be missing me when I go
Cause I’m bored of hangin out,
in your cold
When I feel loved, baby,
I join the road
And the world moves with me
When I feel lost I just slip away
Silently, quietly take my things and go
And think what’s the point,
think where’s the hope when coming home
Cause if you won’t let me fall for you
Then you won’t see the best that
I would love to do for you
Instead you will be missing me when I go
Cause I’m bored of hangin out,
in your cold
And if you find one day,
find some freedom and relief
With this freedom maybe,
maybe you will find some peace
And with this peace, baby,
I hope it brings you back to me
Bring you home, take me home
Cause if you won’t let me fall for you
Then you won’t see the best that
I would love to do for you
Instead you will be missing me when I go
Cause I’m bored of hangin out,
in your cold
Wha-oh…. take me home
Wha-oh…. take me home
When you’re stoned, baby… take me home

…and his:

Dido - Look No Further

I might have been a singer
Who sailed around the world

A gambler who wins milions
And spent it all on girls

I might have been a poet
Who walked upon the moon

A scientist
Who would tell the world
I discovered something new

I might have loved a king
Been the one to end a war

A criminal
Who drinks champagne
And never
Could be caught

But among your books
Among your clothes
Among the noise
And fuss
I’ve let it go

I can’t stop
And catch my breath
And look no further
For happiness
And I will not
Turn again
Cause my heart
Has found it’s home

Everyone
I’ll never meet
And the friends
I wont now make
The adventures
That they
Could have been
And the risks
I’ll never take

But among your books
Among your clothes
Among your noise
And fuss
I’ve let it go

I can’t stop
And catch my breath
And look no further
For happiness
And I will not
Turn again
Cause my heart
Has found it’s home