Ah Ren was startled to discover my chronic shyness; most people are. Yet he, surprisingly, is too. How much has our weird flirtation kept us from knowing each other?

I have since hung out with the other girl, probably in my same “encouraged flirtation but going nowhere shoes”. Easy to be friends in his absence.

It’s these expat boy men and their commitment issues: they can’t even commit enough to say “no” - let alone yes. They drag out, jerk around, like one of those creepy toy chipmunks-in-bag. Ah Ren, Worm, Chairman…all the same boat. I understand, I’m a bit there myself, but I at least can commit enough to say yes or no - even after a while of maybe, apologies to Gym Boy.

Thing is, even with all their man-boy shit, I could…maybe not settle down, but at least really try, with Worm or Ah Ren. Utterly different relationships, yet they leave me with the similar what the fuck-age sort of feeling. It simply is hard. I still love them both; Worm is down the street but a battle to even still see, Ah Ren is another continent yet will answer my emails immediately and I suspect would be giddy should I call or skype him. Yet I feel I barely know Ah Ren. Our last day was a display of awkward, exemplified by our goodbye: he went to kiss, I went to hug, and it all came out wrong. None of the messy if brief intimacy I had with Worm - something else, perhaps fucked by the tension and mystery?

“I Love You” - Sarah Mclauchlan

I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around disappears

just you and me
on this island of hope
a breath between us could be miles

let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek

oh and every time I’m close to you
there’s too much I can’t say
and you just walk away

and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night’s
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

oh and every time I’m close to you
there’s too much I can’t say
and you just walk away

and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night’s
too long
and cold here
without you

Your new user interface is a lot more new coke, and even less new facebook. In other words, it sucks. I really miss the old, convenient interface.

Between force of habit, and that you’re not blocked in China, I’ll stay around for now as a free content provider. However, I must protest that the old dashboard and user interface was waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more convenient than the new one. New one is a fucking pain in the fucking ass - especially here in China where every “special” page takes weeks to load.

You should give users a choice between old or new interfaces, and a chance to specialize between them. Surely the programming is not that hard.

Carve your name across three counties
Ground it in with bloody hides
Their broken necks will lie in the ditch
Till you stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it
Stop this madness
I want you

I have waited with a glacier’s patience
Smashed every transformer with every trailer
Till nothing was standing
Sixty five miles wide
Still you are nowhere, still you are nowhere
Nowhere in sight
Come out to meet me
Run out to meet me
Come into the light

Climb the boxcars to the engine
Through the smoke and to the sky
Your rails have always outrun mine
So I picked them up and crashed them down
In a moment close to now
Cause I miss, I miss, I miss, I miss
I miss, I miss, I miss, I miss
How you’d sigh yourself to sleep
When I’d rake the springtime
Across your sheets

My love, I am the speed of sound
I left the motherless, fatherless
Their souls dangling inside out from their mouths
But it’s never enough

My love, I’m an owl on the sill
In the evening
But morning finds you
Still warm and breathing

This tornado loves you
What will make you believe me?

My best friend Brilly has returned home, and it makes a world of difference, and yet so much has shifted.

And Ah Ren has also returned, appropos in inconsistant spurts. He contemplated staying for good, racheting up the F factor in our always confusingly flirty friendship.

There are moments when he feels like home.

Mutually? But, once he decided to return to his native shores again, a subtle distance emerged. Well ahead of my knowing of his decision.

He leaves tomorrow night. We’re hanging out in the afternoon. He showed up, at my invite, to an art event tonight. In tow was a young woman, a mutual acquaintence. When Ah Ren was here last November, she had tagged along to dinner with us and some friends of ours she knows. She is nice, but a bit clueless. She is almost a decade younger than me, and fifteen years younger than Ah Ren. Tonight I noticed that she is clinging to, crushing upon him. There was a vibe where I felt like he was playing the two of us, two women he knows like him, against each other.

It pissed me off. I know well that he enjoys stringing along adoring younger women, but… But.

“She’s kinda mousy”, Brilly or someone volunteered. “How can she be competing with you?” No, she’s a great young woman, but if Ah Ren encourages her schoolgirl crush, it’s just creepy.

That playing is an assholy thing to do, subtle enough for a male feminist but shitty in the romantic context.

I could also be faulted, I was slightly aloof tonight. Not deliberately. Not totally deliberately. I do not want to monopolize him. Well, I WANT to monopolize him…it just seems like I shouldn’t. Well expired beyond chasing, that window was almost two years ago. So fast gone. The initial fascination is gone, but such affection replaces it, and I find that there is always more to find about him.

I have done 90% with him, and now 49.99999999999999999999999% is all I can offer. I don’t know how to handle a spasmatic 37%. I know that I care for him, he is so dear to me. I don’t know what to do except let him go. Again. And again. And again. And again.

Which is the opposite of what I want to do, but I cannot imagine doing anything else.  And yet I cry at the imagining. Is this something I should tell him?

I first fell for him as an idealization; since I have realized how very weird he is. I prefer the oddity to the projection, his quirks to his image. I continue to discover so much about him. I find it impossible to abstractly sexualize him, because….he is my friend, my Ah Ren, and I long sense isolated if not cauterized those emotions toward him.

Yet, here I still am. Loving, annoyed with, Ah Ren.

I never let myself fall. For him. Or for Worm. Is this wise? Or emotional suicide? Until it is too late. Too late.

This tornado loves you.  This tornado loves you. This tornado loves you. This tornado loves you. This tornado loves you. This tornado loves you. This tornado loves you. This tornado loves you.

What will make you believe me?

It was a good trip, with rough patches. California was a hard, desolate place, but an oasis awaited over on the Atlantic. I forgot how much my ability to survive my native Pacific shores was dependent upon two people - and their absence made the place profoundly unpleasant.

Home precisely in time to cover a big Gucci launch, which was grueling as I had to hit the ground running. A week later, I am still recuperating. And now for resuming, re-assuming my normal life. “Normal.”

How quickly does The Unturned Worm re-squirm into my conscious. I so miss him. What to do? I have already allowed those bridges to be burned.

Trying to forget. Trying.

She had invited me to a grand finale dinner afterwards, apologizing that it was a small intimate crowd so D couldn’t come along, and she was cool about that.

I was wearing a lively-patterned turquoise dress, which previously I associated with that first night I saw Ah Ren a year and a half ago, paired with the gorgeous four-inch-heeled blue and green suede Mary Janes I bought in Jakarta. The dress has a plunging neckline that shows off my boobs to great advantage: they are the one upside of being overweight, I call it my Cleavage Dress; and the heels perk up my lower assets not unflatteringly. I was looking good that night.

It was a sumptuous spread in a sumptuous old villa. “Everyone must have fun and get drunk!” my normally cautious friend declared. Apart from a few other white foreigners, including La Turqa and her man, it was mostly an East Asian affair, heavily Francophone Japanese, a smattering of Koreans. I had met several of them, including a hunky Japanese filmmaker, who I recall crushing on when I first and last met him last year, and a rather quiet, pinched-face Japanese journalist who is my friend’s constant sidekick; I never can remember her name.

I ended up sitting accross from La Turqa and a Chinese artist, and between a Taiwanese businesswoman, who I know fairly well, and an elegantly-dressed, handsome if slightly feminine Japanese entrepreneur I hadn’t met before. He looks younger than his 35 years, and has a sensuous suppleness to his face; similar to me, his expressions stretch all over his round baby face.

He has been in Shanghai for nine years, and we quickly bond over our shared time here and compare memories like scars. Seguing smoothly from English to Mandarin and back, I am more fluent in both but he can keep up, even as both languages waxed drunkenly, dangerously fast as the night boozed on.

We chat, joke, discuss, flirt throughout the dinner. He is very attentive, very interested. I learn about his businesses, in design and entertainment, and his charm and confidence both vouch for him and make me suspicious: how is it that this handsome, charming, successful, wealthy man could be single?

The Japanese journalist, seated to the other side of him, glares at us in disapproval. Quite the unmistable stink-eye she gives me. At first I wonder whether she is his wife, but I quickly abandon that theory. Either she likes him, unreciprocatedly, or was but no longer is involved with him, or is friends with his girlfriend/wife. I wonder. He wears many rings, but they are all more decorative than “wedding”, and I can never remember which finger wedding/engagement rings go on, that is a culture foreign to China. But here and later was he hitting on me quite blatantly, in front of his close friends; it seems unlikely that a married man would do that. More likely, he is a player.

Dinner finishes, and most guests retreat, leaving just the Japanese core and myself, in no hurry, lolling on the sofa and drinking even more exquisite wine. My new friend is accross the table from me now, and I am sitting next to the hunky filmmaker. And, wait, is he now flirting with me too? Ah, Cleavage Dress, the trouble you get me into! The sensual enterprenuer meanwhile makes eyes at me accross the coffee table; he keeps catching my eye and smiling or winking, I waggle my eyebrows back at him, and he laughs. The other journalist frowns at us.

I don’t know what to call this fellow. For now “Tan”, as there is that Chinese character in his name, I guess. Calling him “The Japanese guy” would be in poor taste, I know.

So, we all traipse out. I can outdrink a room of Japanese any night, and was less drunk than most there, but my heels and gravity and uneven lane ground betrayed me, and I took a stumble and skinned up my knees. Tan offers to drive me home, he has a fancy schmancy car and I was on his way out to Hongqiao. I tease him about living in the Japanese expat ghetto.

His car is half-way down the block, and as we walk I link my arm through his, for balance as much as gesture. Tan immediately responds by wrapping his arm around my waist, quite tight, and nuzzling my head; I rest my hand loosely on his shoulder. We reach his mini-van, he opens the door for me and takes me hand to help me in. Driving, we play with each others’ hands at the stoplights.

We reach my lane, and after a brief hestitation we lean in for the kiss. We are both drunk, and it is sloppy but earnest. But I have little chance to process: Tan IMMEDIATE grabs for my breasts. Okay, I realize “the girls” were rather front and center that night, but oh come ON. I remove his hands, “I don’t know you well enough yet for that!” I try not to sound annoyed.

He complies, and we resume kissing. This time, his hands lunge immediately for my ass. Man, this is hilarious, I think. At least the man knows what he wants - which is somewhat a nice change after Worm. Yet it signals just another for of WEIRD! Geez, men! I bid him goodnight, with a rather less slurpy final kiss, and climb out of his car.

It seems he took my “no boobs yet” policy fairly well, better than my last over-eager turned sulky paramour last fall: emails have been exchanged, and he’s invited me to a party with our mutual friends at one of his restaurants this coming Monday. Promising. I still long for Worm, but I have to move on. Maybe Tan is just what I need - even if I continue to look over my shoulder, hoping Worm will step up, will come claim me. I don’t suppose he will, though.

Life has gotten good and busy again, good-bye boring, although it remains far from pre-crises spring madness. The weekend before, Manila Moxie visited; then this past week another friend, a Chinese woman who emigrated to the US fifteen years ago, was in town, and also staying with me. Good company, albeit a bit exhausting. Tonight is my first evening alone, and it’s rather nice.

Last weekend was the big Weihai Lu open house, an annual thing now in its third year. Zipping previously to openings at IFA and M97, and managing to lose a pair of vintage Dior gloves in the process, I collected my visiting friend and then zipped along to Weihai. My gal Kazza has a gallery there, and I had volunteered to make martinis for her show’s opening.

She’d hired two waiters, “your bitches!”, to mix and serve, and I joined Kazza in playing hostess, we got a lot of people in, and some press and some sales. It was fun, and even without my Dior gloves I was in full swishy mode, dahling.

About 45 minutes in, I escaped to the bathroom, and coming back in I heard a still if by now barely familiar voice come at me, “Oh! Hey there…” It was Worm.

It had been exactly a month since I’d last seen him. I barely recognized him, his hair is out of control shaggy now, and he had shed the WASPy peacoat he huddled in all winter.

I got pulled back into other social whorls, he chatted briefly with our mutual friend Happy Fish - who is privvy to the whole secret drama - and then he retreated with his friends to sit at the back. I brought them martinis, and Worm “cheers”ed me, before I had to rush back to make more drinks.

He skulked there for a good half hour, even after the friends he came with left. Watching me, it seemed; whenever I glanced his way, he quickly averted his eyes, then looked tentatively back at me, then away again. Finally I went back over - not to force any discussion of what if any remnants there are in the wreckage of “us”, just to catch up, see how he is.

“How’ve you been?” I ask lightly.
“I gotta go now.” Worm puts down his drink and flees. Pushing through the crowd, out the door.

I pause for a few minutes then follow him outside. I see Worm’s figure retreating down the lane, only a few meters away; obviously he had stood just outside the gallery for several minutes more before really leaving.

“What was *that*?!” I puzzle to myself. Not the first time I have asked that with regard to our introspective old Worm.

“What *was* that?!” Happy Fish asked me a few days later, at another opening. I shrugged. “He’s SOO weird. You need to, like, get in his face and be all, “Why are you so weird?!”

But I know why. He’s wounded, fearful, prefers fleeing to dealing. I know him. That’s the problem.

Not until today. Perhaps yesterday’s blip of hope, before the holding pattern resumed.

This has been over for a long time, and I have known it, but I only today realized it. Necessary, release.

Goodbye, Worm. For whatever it is worth, I loved you, and always will love you.

So, I hopped into a taxi and headed back to the Worm’s bar in residence, texting him that I was coming, that I was craving to see him again. “I’ve already left,” he replied. He said he’d gone home, felt like staying in, I asked to come over, he equivocated.

By then I was standing, shivering, on his corner. I have never been to his flat, but had walked him this far before. Awkward texing ensued; then deteriorated. “Fine, whatever, see you around then,” I pissily sent. “Ok” Worm responded. “What the hell?” I sent back.

Finally I called him, hearing the buzz of a bar in the background. Home, my ass. The glare from the women staffing the Family Mart I am standing am sends me out on the street, but the noise sends me ducking into some cheap hotel’s entry corridor, lined with grimy fish tanks.

“What the hell, [Worm]?” I ask.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what’s going on here?”

“I can’t deal with being around you tonight. There’s too much to process.” He proceeded, over the following fifteen minutes, to delineate why he is freaked out, why he felt our situation was so complicated: his reluctance to get seriously involved right now, his fraught emotions towards me, that he’s already seeing someone else casually, that he needs to figure out his life, etc etc. But that that Saturday had been wonderful and intense and that he does really care for me, which is why this is difficult for him and I need to give him some space for him to sort everything out.

All this filtered through the bar noise on his end; on my end standing feeling bludgeoned in this greenish-lit dingy hallway with tank upon grimy tank of fish staring beadily at me, mouths moving in seeming mockery.

I didn’t cry then, and I haven’t since. I have felt confused and annoyed and estranged than sad.

The next day I emailed him, apologizing if I fucked things up by pressing to see him, promising to give him some space, saying that it was too early for him to be worrying about where this could be going, adding that my body already misses his.

That was two weeks ago.

Radio silence since, apart from some neutral online chats, and his leaving town without telling me. I finally called two days ago, to see if he still wanted to come along on a trip I’m planning soon. He was enthusiastic, has obstacles but will join if he at all can. I extended a lunch invitation, he deferred as his parents are incoming and he has to know their plans before scheduling anything. I had to pry him off the phone, as I was waxing late to an appointment.

It has been an irritating two weeks.

With anyone else, with a “normal” guy, I would know from this that I was dumped. But the Worm is not a normal boy. Whenever I second guess him, I am wrong, it is an impossible paradox. It has been three months now of limbo, not just since we hooked up. I know the ambiguity results from his ambivalence, and from his larger issues - he is a man-boy very much lost in the angsty pool of his own navel.

Some of it I should take personally, but not all of it. The problem is knowing when it’s him, and when it’s about me. And, regardless, it’s a shitty situation. I can deal with a lot, but I have to know WHAT I’m dealing with. I’m tolerant and understanding of his bullshit and issues, but not when it’s directed at me. It’s not like I’ve done anything to him to deserve such maltreatment.

I won’t say I deserve better. What we deserve is what we demand, and I need to demand better. I don’t want perfection, I don’t want commitment - I’m not even offering commitment, I don’t know whether I can do this either. What I do require, though, is a baseline of communication, companionship and courtesy. It is not a lot to ask. If he cannot do even that, then I need to walk away - sadly and reluctantly, but at least I will not end up hating him, or myself.

The Worm is already gone. Literally. On a plane to somewhere.

He didn’t call to say goodbye, he didn’t even tell me he was leaving, I found out via his internet oversharing, which is such a passive-aggressive form of communication, this Western man puts his Chinese peers to shame.

My heart feels a bit ripped out, even while knowing the Worm and his weirdnesses enough to be flattered that I freaked him out enough to run him out of town. However, he spooks easily. I miss him so desperately, can’t believe it’s already over, even as I don’t even know whether it’s over, because I know him.

We finally consumated on Saturday, the 14th. That, another story. I was Giddy! Giddy! Giddy! afterwards, even know what a mess I had plunged myself into, even aching for another hit of Him.

It buoyed me two days, then the following Tuesday I went to see a talk by a certain Australian-Asian author, incredibly successful and gut-punchingly handsome. It reminded me, that I am not so far away from being able to land a man like that, it just takes losing some weight and getting my career a smidgeon more together to be in that league. That chap even writes about the angst that plagues semi-successful writers, making me want to nibble him even more, although I failed abjected at chatting him up; too nervous, and too preoccupied with Worm.

I, too, had spasms of buyers regrets. Presuming this would or could work, should I whirl with this odd-looking smart slacker who makes my heart sing, when he’s not breaking it? Shouldn’t I hold out for better? But, those standards are stupid, what matters is whether two people work together. (And probably, it’s seeming so far, we don’t.)

I next saw Worm on Wednesday; he joined me for lunch with L, a stunning galleryist who is my favorite new friend and, as a hot sinofied mandarin-fluent artsy white chick with a Chinese artist boyfriend, a member of my tribe. Worm and I gossip dangerously, or used to, and had a conversation where we couldn’t figure out whether we knew the same mandarin-fluent redhead caucasian named L—- since I was blanking on “mine’s” surname. A week later, I met “his” L—- through another friend and was like, Oh! It’s you! That it was partly through Worm’s secret ex-girlfriend didn’t make it less awkward.

Afterwards, we walked to L’s gallery, saw and discussed the show, she made us coffee. Worm wouldn’t look at me. I had laptop, intent on cafe and book-write, and it was his neighborhood, so we headed to one of the two that he haunts. I angled to head to his nearby flat, excuse of meeting his cat but really wanted to snog some more. We did not hold hands, accidental brushings made him jump; he was so flummoxed that he kept getting lost and going the wrong way despite being on his own block.

We spent the afternoon at adjacent tables, me writing, him fucking around on the internet and getting a trip cancelled. Occassionally shifting over to read something on the other’s laptop, with some gentle snuggling the only acknowlegement of what had transpired between us. Oddest sensation, sitting next to a new man I could fall for while writing about my history with the old one who once so defined me.

Worm only looked at me, really talked to me, when I was on my way out, late for an appointment to get all my fucking hair cut off. I asked him what he wanted to do later. Stay there? Meet up at my friend’s gallery opening? He huddled into himself, “I dunno”.

I stared at him, extended my arms to my side, and shrugged in confusion with all of my body and every expression in my rubbery face. “What do I do here?”

Worm turned away.

I left. I should of kissed him again. Perhaps not the mouth, perhaps that place 2/3s down his shoulder that I already have gotten quite fond of, well, not exactly kissing.

But, I didn’t.

I suffered through a haircut. Then to Ice Queen’s opening. I was going nuts with the confusion and sexual frustration, and several of Worm’s net buddies/my frenemies were there. I wanted nothing but to go back to him, and preferably to resume where we had left off Saturday night. I conversed with my Japanese transexual friend, we always communicate in haiku, discussing gardening and balance and hope and ambition and love. Ice Queen suggested I go find him.

So, I did. Sort of.