Hindsight
After Ah Ren left a month ago, I largely forgot him. There was this fling shortly after, its own bizarre story, a head cold and a lot of work. Ah Ren left me with a quantity of books, CDs, DVDs; I have not yet tackled the books, but the rest… I have become addicted due to to him to “The Wire” - and see how much it informs his work in the US, and fascination with the US. (And I think his boredom with China reflects his hanging out with the wrong people. Ie not enough of me.) His music is that of a soul resembling an ingrown nail, even more an introvert than I.
Ah Ren was startled to discover my chronic shyness; most people are. Yet he, surprisingly, is too. How much has our weird flirtation kept us from knowing each other?
I have since hung out with the other girl, probably in my same “encouraged flirtation but going nowhere shoes”. Easy to be friends in his absence.
It’s these expat boy men and their commitment issues: they can’t even commit enough to say “no” - let alone yes. They drag out, jerk around, like one of those creepy toy chipmunks-in-bag. Ah Ren, Worm, Chairman…all the same boat. I understand, I’m a bit there myself, but I at least can commit enough to say yes or no - even after a while of maybe, apologies to Gym Boy.
Thing is, even with all their man-boy shit, I could…maybe not settle down, but at least really try, with Worm or Ah Ren. Utterly different relationships, yet they leave me with the similar what the fuck-age sort of feeling. It simply is hard. I still love them both; Worm is down the street but a battle to even still see, Ah Ren is another continent yet will answer my emails immediately and I suspect would be giddy should I call or skype him. Yet I feel I barely know Ah Ren. Our last day was a display of awkward, exemplified by our goodbye: he went to kiss, I went to hug, and it all came out wrong. None of the messy if brief intimacy I had with Worm - something else, perhaps fucked by the tension and mystery?
“I Love You” - Sarah Mclauchlan
I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road
we meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around disappears
just you and me
on this island of hope
a breath between us could be miles
let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek
oh and every time I’m close to you
there’s too much I can’t say
and you just walk away
and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night’s
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so
oh and every time I’m close to you
there’s too much I can’t say
and you just walk away
and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night’s
too long
and cold here
without you
