Shanghai Vixen

A couple of days ago I rediscovered the Rilke poem below, which Ahmulin sent me when I was coming out of the big bad breakup with Jifu. It is a reminder that the current sting of rejection, disappointment, embarassment is pretty small fish compared to some of the loses and heartbreaks I have weathered, and that even those unhappiest of moments have a beauty to them.

the tenth elegy
someday, emerging at last from the voilent insight,
let me sing out jubilation and praise to assenting
angels.
Let not even one of the clearly-struck hammers of my
heart
fail to sound because of a slack, a doubtful,
or a broken string. Let my joyfully streaming face
make me more radient; let my hidden weeping arise
and blossom. How dear you will be to me then, you
nights
of angush. Why didn't I kneel more deeply to accept
you,
inconsolable sisters, and, surrendering, lose myself
in your loosened hair. How we squander our hours of
pain.
How we gaze beyond them into the bitter duration
to see if they have an end. Though they are really
our winter-enduring foliage, our dark evergreen,
One season in our inner year --, not only a season
in time --, but are place and settlement, foundation
and soil and home.

But how alien, alas, are the streets of the city of
grief, ...

Fuck you, horoscope: "In one of your newer relationships, things are well on their way toward gaining real momentum. This is a partnership built on mutual respect and a shared sense of what is the right thing to do. It is rare to find a person who brings out the best in you no matter what mood you're in. This is a person you can rely on -- a person you should rely on. You are starting to align yourself with the people who deserve you. Let people from your past stay in your past." I've had several weeks of similar to this, and given irritating "huh?" of actuality right now, I have to conclude that the heavens are making fun of me. La Turqa, returning from NY in a few days, will probably fuss much over this.

Eh, whatever. After last night's idiotic ruminations, I am reminded to stop being such a damn girl. The damn girl wants to either get bored, wander off....or do something pointlessly melodramatic before getting bored and wandering off. Neither are productive, or particularly healthy.

Atwixt work today, I fielded calls from Er and Trixie, both offering and soliciting advice. Their suggestions on damn girlishness were useful - not because I took most of them, but because it reminded me of what a damn girl I'm being, and helped to snap me out of it.

Once I banished the girly silliness, had a great productive day. Not everything on my list got done - but when does it ever? Now for a sane sober bed hour and productive, silliness-free week. Well, drinks and gossip some night with Er aside...