Shanghai Vixen

So. Tomorrow I am off to Xinjiang. I am travelling with Peaceful Peasant, and meeting up with Dodo from Beijing. The funny/annoying is that travel with the visiting Dodo was the motivator for the trip in the first place, but he'll miss most of it due to visa woes. Ah well, Peaceful Peasant and I will have fun in the interim.

I was unable to find a sitter for the Silver Lining this trip, so the Ayi will come feed him, which has me a bit disquieted. Better her than random friends, as Silver Lining hides from strange people, but she's not that into cats and won't notice if he gets sick. It's only a week, I tell myself, and he'll be happier at home than at a kennel. Mostly I worry he'll go a little nutters - okay, nutters-er - but cats are resilient creatures. As opposed to his predecessor Mr. Wonderful, the Silver Lining is disinclined to a. eat himself to death with the opportunity presents itself or b. fall off balconies and window ledges.

 I have lately become completely addicted to a Hong Kong blog, it's too hilarious. Pithy, grumpy, very local, quite my sort of thang. Observations such as: "Like people who put things they need in-flight in the overhead locker, anyone who takes more than three minutes to pack for a week’s trip – or who wants more items – needs psychiatric treatment." Hear hear. Blog is at (guo wai) or (guo nei with net nanny). Good shit.

Now having discovered Anonymouse, I can access Dodo's blog, which is also good shit. He's internationally or domestically clickable. Whoo, I get to be "Brown Girl". Hence he earned the Dodo monicker! It's funny the random trivia you can learn about old friends reading their blogs. A decade, and I never registered that he was a fellow gin Martini junkie. I quite like his International Superfriends! concept. Parallel to my Glocal Nomads, but admittedly cuter.

Boys: Cali, radio silence. Sigh. I'd fake a *shrug*, but actually still crushing, so am a bit crushed. Oh well. Sigh. PMAL, the awkward flirtation continues. I should just ask him out already, have hot sex and then dump him. But I'm lazy. Saturday met a hot artist who seemed very into me. He has an unfortunate goatee, but that can be removed. Also Saturday, saw Jifu for the first time in a month. Okay, there are bad mullets, worse mullets, and then washed up rock star mullets. But top them all off with the greasy permed mullet. He's getting married next month. Thank mother of Buddha it's not to me! When an ex goes to crap without you, is it a. gratifying, b. depressing, because it means you dated a loser for six years and were the only thing redeeming him, or c. both?

[Excerpted from latest L-Land Dispatch. Most of the rest of it overlaps with here, since not quite the same readership, so just posting this bit.] 

Much of my time the past month has been wasted dealing with tech problems, after I bought a back-up battery for my primary laptop, it turned out to be a fake, and it ate my hard drive. Lovely. At least I always backup. $300 and an unproductive week later… This also coincided with my missing the big Rolling Stones concert, for more general irritation.

My Stones concert saga I guess begins with their cancelled 2003 show, for which I got sweet comped tickets plus VIP and backstage passes. I initially was expecting to top that this time, after I got a call last fall. “Hi, Lisa? Really, I’m not a webstalker…” Um, okay. You’d be surprised how many conversations I have that start that way. “…but I’ve read all your articles, and I’m with a London Gallery that represents Ronnie Wood, and we want to organize an exhibition in Shanghai.” I had no idea who Ronnie Wood is, turns out he’s the Stones’ guitarist. Anyhow, I chattered then and many times since with F, and we met up and became fast friends when she came to Shanghai. She promised me an exclusive with Ronnie at least, and possibly with the rest of the band, in exchange for my help. (Really, I just wanted the obligatory goofy picture with them.)

Then F vanished. I guess the exhibition fell through, and she was too embarrassed to email me. (Like so many soured relationships!) Work got hectic, the concert was at a small venue and tickets sold out as soon as they went on the market, while I was in Beijing at the time. I was slow in seeking out press tickets, and by the time I found the right person, they’d run out. Which left me at the mercy of scalpers. I should have been wary of the guy who offered me a ticket with a markup of only 50 RMB, when most were asking 200-500 RMB extra. He was being really annoying, flirting with me and being invasively touchy while supposedly waiting for someone to bring the ticket out. He kept trying to get me to give him the money first, and when I refused, chided me, “You’re so untrusting! We’re friends!” “Do I look stupid?” Apparently I do. He led me to various parts of the stadium, talked to various other scalpers, and finally said, “I have your ticket from the guy over there, but wait here because if he sees you, he’ll want a cut of the fee.” Before I could protest, he grabbed my 650 RMB out of my hand and strode around the corner. “I’m never going to see him again,” I thought, and followed after him, but wasn’t fast enough; he saw me, broke into a run, and lost me down a side exit.

Yup, I look stupid.

While pacing the stadium looking (unsuccessfully) for the guy, I got to see the band arrive though, and I did get to see them at the press conference the day before. I contemplated trying again to get a ticket, but I was too pissed off – with the scalper and with myself – to enjoy a concert anyway, and definitely was not inclined to deal with more scalpers. I was sorry to miss it, but oh well. Anyhow, the evil scalper needs the money more than I do, and hopefully it will go to subsidize his kid’s schooling or parents’ medical bills, rather than the more likely cheap cigarettes and cheaper women.

Okay, the reason I'm unable to take the whole online dating phenomenon seriously is that, apart from one cute Cali Boy, the people I've met online are *scary*.

Friendster is the worst. Today, from "Ayaz", I got:

Subject: Lisa hi

hello ..

hope u fyn .
u r really nice and good looking in pics really .i like
ur nice and cuty pics so much and like to write u
few words .hope u wont mind and i like to be ur
friend .if u like that then reply me here i like to read
ur nice and cuty reply .the nice people have nice
thinking and hope u think then hit me back
here .male of pakistan write u and age 30 year old
if u like then droped me here .
take care
bye

One word. Pathetic. Nothing is funnier than people with poor English who interpret my sarcasm as "cute". Heh.

Here are a few more of the real winners who have contacted me on Friendster:

From: "Pang"

Hi..........nice to meet u... u can call me Brian or
Ah Hou...i send you a message is want to let you
know i got one good benefit business than can
solve your financial problem and make your dream
become true.........if you interest about this
business you can contact me.. my msn is
_____...or you can reply me a
message...then we make appointment...ok thank
for read the message..and want to tell u this
business china not yet open the market tat mean if
you join you are the one doing this business in
china.....ok now i give u see the website..
http://www.omegatrend.com/infoglueDeliverLive/Vie
wPage.action?
siteNodeId=245&languageId=1&contentId=-
1..afterward if u interest with that u send me a
message....thanks..

From: "Slippy"

hello ,
nice to meet u...........
how are u then ?
anything gonna alright?
being a rush life everyday ?


take care and good day!!

cheers

From: "Kessie"

hello how are u?am kessie from france living in
china a business man am intrested on ur profile
want to know u more,how are u doing how ur work
ur family hope all is well
thanks kessie

From: "Rishantha"

Hello

How are you?
I am a guy from Europe and I am originally from
Asia
I am looking forward to hear from you
Have a nice day
Take care

From: "Vern"

hi there, how r u? i just browse thru ur website and
find u r hot n interesting... wat do u do for living? im
a malaysian that works in shanghai that stays in
gu bei... wish to know u more here as im still fresh
in shanghai... hope u can reply me when u r free,
cheers~

Geez, seriously, who ARE these people?

The Asian-American webdating site is it's own kind of bad. Today I got:

Subject: "hey gorgeous!"

Greetings!! how are you? Hope you are doing fine heheee,I am Dave from Orlando. I am Asian. Please to meet you. :P I am not on this board often, if you would like, you can write me at "____". I am a passionate, honest, ambitious and goal oriented guy. I am not into games. Hope to get to know you better in the future :)

His profile is even more painful:

How He Describes Himself
HI I am a unconventional man, meaning I don't think like average guys. Yes, I was a lifeguard and a beach bum in my younger years. Currently I am dabbling in filmmaking and directing. I would like to make movies like "Gladiators" or "Pearl Harbor". I have set myself a goal to make 3 million in 5 years. Money is not all the things in the world, and it can't buy happiness. But with money I can help the community and give to less fortunate kids. I have had a life-changing experience of shaking Princess Diana's hand 4 months before she left this world abruptly. She is an Angel to this world! I am very focus on several business projects now, one of them is a movie special effects house. I have only dated Caucasian ladies so far. You must be affectionate, willing to help less-fortunate people and be ready to involve in charities. I find women with a giving heart very attractive!! If you are self-centered, high maintenance, and takes 3 hours to dressup, you are probably not my type.
How He Describes His Ideal Match
I have only dated Caucasian and European ladies. You must be affectionate, willing to help less-fortunate people and be involve in charities. I find women with a giving heart very attractive!! If you are self-centered,got a lot of emotional baggage, high maintenance, and takes 3 hours to dressup, you are probably not my type. Thanks.

Oooh, Pearl Harbor! He's like SO _artistic_!!! Wow, how do guys this lame ever get "ladies", let alone "Caucasian and European ladies"? (Mail order Russians?) I feel kinda sorry for guys like this, though, and would write them back just to be nice, but what to even say?

Other samples of irresistable flirtation poetics:

how are you. my name is robert. i would like to know more about you if you are single and interested.

and

It seems like we have some things in common. You seem like someone I’d like to get to know. Send an e mail and let’s see what happens. I just may be the man you’ve been searching for. I’m looking forward to learning more about you. TTYS
MARK
Talk soon!

(that one was an elderly white guy...) and, my favorite of the very bad/sadness,

How are you? You are very interesting person, and I hope to hear from you. Wow; living in China as an American lady? Oh; and how is over there? I am half Chinese and laostian living in San Diego, California. I am single, never been married and no kids, 5'4", 36,out going and active person. I work for government as a field operater 2, security officer, and side business as in network mortgage. Ove all I have 3 jobs. Being caucasian lady, how come you are only 5'2"? If you have not mentioned on your profile I thought you are as Asian lady. So; please tell me more about yourself? Have you ever been married? Have you ever been in USA? What is your citizenship? My email address at_____. Take care and I hope to hear from you; Eric.

This is a mere sampling. So much, so bad, so sad. Amazing. And hilarious. But mostly...so scary.

Oh, I do love Shanghai. Standing in the Hongqiao airport, at the security check there are tv announcements explaining forbidden items: explosives, weapons, alcohol, and...live crabs.

Only in Shanghai. So cute.

Went to Beijing for a few days to cover some textile fairs. *Sexy* Beijing was dry and dirty, but still it's always nice being there. I wouldn't want to live in Beijing, I'm far too much of a Shanghai partisan (ya think?) to go north, but I'm glad I get to visit frequently. My old college-era friend DO is there now studying Guoyu, so fun seeing him on this side of the pond. I swear, everyone ends up in China eventually.

Yesterday was the big Giorgio Armani event, which was okay but a bit tiring of an all-day slog. Awesome retrospective of his designs at the Shanghai Art Museum. I think his stuff is a mixed bag, some really bad and boring, some quite gorgeous. I appreciate his appreciation for the value of the *sparkly!*

"Would you like to interview Zhang Zee?" The Armani press gal rushed up to me at the party.

"Who?"

"Zhang Zee, the Chinese actress."

Oh, Zhang Ziyi. I pondered for a moment, trying to think if there was anything remotely interesting I could ask the annoyingly overrated starlet. There wasn't. "Thanks, but nah."

Perhaps I should have taken the opportunity just to have the story to tell, but I have enough stories to tell as it is. I'm just not that impressed with celebrities for their own sake. (And why oh why couldn't I have been offered access to Tony Leung at Ferragamo last year? Or Chow Yun-Fat at Mont Blanc last week?) I did get a good look at her, though, and can report that Zhang Ziyi looks even more like an ugly, sullen 12-year-old in person. She was wearing this hideous jean skirt that was all poufy and ribboned. Unattractive and a bad actress; the only people I know who like her are foreigners, go figure. White people with a fetish for prepubescent-looking Chinese girls. Ew.

"I'm a big fan!" One of the other regular fashion journos, one of the few other laowai about, gushed. I imaged her rotating. Fan of what? "Of how you managed to be *everywhere*!" Yes, and it is tiring, being ubiquitous.

She informed me that she'd heard of me long before she met me, had read some of my stuff and asked a colleague of hers about me. She said I was described as "The foreigner most integrated into Shanghai." Huh.

This comes along with hanging out with a friend who just moved to Shanghai, a US-educated Indonesian Chinese. "Wow, you're so much more Chinese than I am!"

"Well, duh. Obviously."  But he just won't drop it. Which gets annoying. I am getting very tired of having this brought up all the time.

I have lived in China my entire adult life, and am culturally more comfortable here than in America. The problem is that people have a hard time accepting as such. Between the overseas Chinese, who are Chinese in race only, culturally not at all, who get into their "Chineseness-envy" mode with me, and then the Chinese themselves, who either treat me as a talking monkey to be gawked at, or gush over how very Chinese I am.

I dislike identity politics. I dislike contemplating these things, and dislike even more having it mentioned to me all the time. What am I? A first generation emigrant, an American-Chinese? Last week, when the I was paying my power bill, some nongmin peddler passing through my lane remarked, "Zheli ye you laowai!" (There are foreigners even here!) And the lady who collects for the power bill shot back, "Ta?! Ta bushi laowai, ta shi bai de zhongguoren." (Her?! She's not a foreigner, she's a white Chinese.) In Mandarin, there are different terms for race (huaren) versus nationality (zhongguoren), and language (Guoyu), and food (any of a million regional variations of zhongcai), etc; in English, Chinese is a such catch-all.

I don't want to have to self-identify, to declare any allegiances. I am fairly but not very American, and I am fairly but not very Chinese. I am a cultural freak, always have been, always will be. I get along best with other culture-straddlers, like other American friends who have lived here a long time, and dated, married Shanghainese men. Or other multiple-hyphenated types: A Nanjingese who has studied in America and England and now lives back in Shanghai. A Vietnamese who emigrated to the US as a child, who has lived in Hong Kong for as long as I've been in Shanghai. A Hongky who studied in France, now lives in Shanghai and dates a nice white American boy. A Swedish/Malaysian Chinese who's lived in Burma and now is in the US. An ethnic Shanghainese born in Taiwan, moved to LA as an adult and spent several decades there, and now has moved to Shanghai. The list goes on and on.

This is my clan, and we are all very Shanghainese. Shanghai is such an immigrant city, and most "Shanghainese" themselves are on at least on one family branch second, third, forth generation Hangzhounese, Ningboers, Cantonese, Gangbeining. That is what I can comfortably self-identify: part of this fluid, all-embracing, ever-changing urban milleu. Which is, like me, neither Chinese nor Western but rather an odd but wonderful pastiche of both.

So far, the takings have been disappointing for Spring fashion season. The best so far was a green pashmina from Lacoste, very comfy and matches my green study walls perfectly. Their director, at the interview a few days later, gave me a gelly teddy bear computer wrist rest, rather amusing. I missed the book signing by Armani, which is too bad, could have gotten a book of pretty pictures signed by Giorgio himself. The actually event gave out two bottles of perfume, which is quite meh but could be worse.

Worse is the events that don't even have swag. (Gucci always disappoints.) Or Mont Blanc, which was the suckiest party ever, and out at the Shanghai Film Park so we were fucking stuck there all night, and not even able to get ahold of enough booze to get drunk and make it a little more tolerable (on other hand, then we would have had to visit the skanky-ass toilets more frequently). And all they gave us were these sketchy canvas bracelets emblazened with their stupid line "Soulmakers for 100 Years". Just think: some PR/ad person got paid lots of money to come up with that. Depressing.